Dialysis Diaries 21: Vulnerability and Covid-19

Dialysis Diaries 21: Vulnerability and Covid-19  

On March 11, 2020, W.H.O declared the fast spreading coronavirus a pandemic. Soon named Covid-19, this monster of a communicable disease had arrived full bore, attacking people all over the world. 

Immediately it became clear that I was among the most vulnerable of anyone to catch the virus. When a pandemic hits, everyone is vulnerable. Vulnerability is not easy to pronounce. It is not a word that easily rolls off the tongue. But it is an important concept I am currently wrestling with. Thinking about it, some people, however, are more vulnerable than others. Just as my doctors say they don’t know why my kidneys crashed, not many, especially public officials, saw the pandemic coming even when they had hints it was fast approaching. As we now know, though the White House had a sense of what was going on, it did nothing to help stop the virus from spreading.

Growing up in Brooklyn in a much simpler world and time, I never thought about pandemics even though as I went through school and life, I learned they had existed throughout history,causing damage beyond anyone’s imagination. But vulnerability? Never. Not as a kid freely roaming the streets of Flatbush. Not on my schedule. Not as an individual. Not in my family. Until now. Except for now I never thought I would experience vulnerability in a life that continues to grow longer by the day despite many bumps in the road. That is the way I like it: a life that continues to grow without an end in sight. I refuse to be vulnerable. I will not show weakness in the face of possible defeat. So far with my search for a live kidney barely underway the pandemic has not been a factor in my finding a new donor. 

Staying alive in a pandemic comes first. Succeed in that and everything else will appear to be easier. I say appear because reality, working out the direction where you head, is a more difficult concept to parse than is hope. If we allow ourselves to move forward in a positive manner we have a chance at success. If not, life becomes far more difficult to sustain. Everyone knows we are the choices we make about everything in our lives. These days we are more aware of the possible choices that might benefit us most, especially when the virus can shorten life so quickly. Social distancing is at the top of the list. Self-quarantine is the one that provides the best benefits. It means changing the way we live. But becoming a hermit, the optimum of locking oneself away from the crowd, is giving up too soon. That would be submitting to fear. We should face the pandemic directly and protect ourselves as the rules mandate. Survival will come easy when you defend yourself properly and intelligently.   

Which again brings me to my mission in life: finding a live kidney donor and, by doing so, finally ending dialysis. For the moment the mission is on pause. However, I keep moving in that direction because the joyous thought of having three full days of normalcy back every week is impossible to ignore. I will not repeat here how dialysis works, what it does to the body and to the mind, its effect, on the physical and the psyche. You can find those moments recorded in my Dialysis Diaries and its companion, the Transplant Diaries. 

Readers by now are familiar with the reality of dialysis. You are familiar with my routine. I am out of bed very early. I make a fresh pot of coffee. I get the paper at my front door. I have a bagel or sour dough toast with butter or cream cheese and maybe an exotic cheese to add some sparkle to my taste buds. I check my email. I read in, meaning I immerse myself as deeply as possible in the world around me as if I am still a working journalist, which in the back of my mind I still am. 

On dialysis days in the morning I get on my stationary bike for forty minutes. On days when the time is mine, I take my bike ride in late afternoon. Riding the bike helps my body keep its tone and allows me to eliminate many emotional toxins that clutter my mind. I should note that I average more than 14 miles a forty-minute session. It is a worthy and cleansing exercise. When riding I free my head of bitter thoughts because I refuse to allow bitterness to dominate my life. Bitterness is not who I am. It is not who I want to be nor who I want to become. When I ride, think, and even compose an essay or two, I leave bitterness and self-pity in the dust. My life, despite its problems is unusually rich, just the way I want and like it to be. Vulnerability is the issue I am wrestling with because I am a prime candidate for destruction by the virus considering my age and failing kidneys. Will my exposure to the unknown be an issue once the pandemic slows or disappears? Certainly, my susceptibility to that which I cannot control will remain a factor in my life for the duration of the pandemic. I am of the strong belief that the pandemic will not end soon. It could be back stronger and more vicious than ever. After all, the Spanish Flu pandemic lasted for years, with its third year being its peak and maybe its worst. I am prepared for whatever comes next. As I age, my susceptibility to changes outside the bounds of normalcy will increase, meaning vulnerability could be with me for the remainder of my life. The pandemic does not help. Becoming invulnerable, a state of being beyond any harm would help. But in this age of vulnerability that is impossible, a condition of life, and a fantasy that does not exist, even if all is immune, impenetrable, and safely secure. Through it all, I remind everyone to always remain vigilant.